The world is changing, and I’m not so sure I like where it’s going, or it is now. I don’t belong here anymore. I don’t understand why people are mean or why we’re losing hope and purpose. Maybe everyone doesn’t feel like I do, but I’ll be selfish for a little while and talk about myself and worry about myself and try to figure out how I’m supposed to survive in a world that I’ve outgrown.  How does that happen? How can a person outgrow the world, I wonder.

With the able and capable help of my husband, we have raised four children. Raising them was sometimes challenging, but not without the ultimate reward of seeing them grown and being contributing members of society doing their best to raise their own families. They have educated themselves, are taking care of themselves, and have a loving interest in us, their parents. As my children grew up, I never experienced blatant disrespect from them. I don’t know how we managed to instill that as a given, but never did any of them make me feel threatened. I think there were times when I felt they didn’t fully appreciate what we were trying to do for them.

I’ve written about my grandchildren and how much I love them and how great it is to have that arms-length attitude regarding their discipline. It is their parents’ job, and I don’t feel the same responsibility in that area. It has been a freeing feeling, and until recently, I’ve been satisfied with the arrangement. An event causing me extreme grief has prompted me to write this. Honestly, except for my husband’s ill health, I would like to move to some foreign country and exchange letters every so often with family members at home. Those letters would keep me in the loop about family accomplishments and sheltered somewhat from the “issues.”

I have a granddaughter who, at the age of 18, found herself pregnant without the benefit of being married. She was with a young man where the two of them were abusing drugs and living together. To her credit, when she realized she was pregnant, she moved away from him back to her parents’ home and got cleaned up to provide her child with a healthy body. I wasn’t happy when I first heard the news of her pregnancy for many reasons. It certainly wasn’t what I envisioned as my experience as a first time great grandmother. I told her I wasn’t happy with her, and she returned with hostility for a time. Eventually, because I continued to beg forgiveness, she allowed me back into her life, and we enjoyed a good relationship. My great-granddaughter was born that summer, and I became her Grammy. That little girl is now two years old and a great delight to the whole family.  When this little girl was about six months old, her mother quickly met and married a man who turned out to be not what he portrayed himself to be. The marriage lasted a couple of months and was annulled or divorced (I don’t know which) a short time later. Last week, my granddaughter announced without a shred of shame that she would be adding to her family another child this spring.

When she sent me a text message with her daughter proudly showing the ultrasound and happily noting the happiness they share with this news, I responded with, “I have no comment.”  My granddaughter responded, saying something like, that’s okay. I’ll love and adore you anyway. I hope you can someday celebrate with us because we are happy about it. To say that things went downhill from there is an understatement. She said that babies are always gifts from God and a great blessing and that I needed to understand that. I responded with an agreement about babies being blessings from God. I also felt that her inability to provide for her children entirely was about what I had an issue. She reminded me that she wasn’t asking me for anything regarding the rearing of her children. First of all, up until a few weeks ago, she was living with her parents. Her parents have downsized their home, and she and her twin sister would need to find their own dwelling since they are both 21 years old now. They found a place which I applaud. They need to be on their own. I hope it lasts. They tried moving out once before, and it wasn’t long before they were back on their parent’s doorstep.

Anyway, my granddaughter has talked to me about the state assistance she has been able to get to help her as a single mother. I suggested that unless she was totally on her own without government assistance, she is not independent. That’s when all hell broke loose. She proceeded to call me some very vulgar names, refer to me by my first name rather than Grandma, and accuse me of being petty and immature. I’m still trying to figure out those two observations. I’m pretty sure that I’m the only one in the family who has dared to tell her that she is reckless and irresponsible. Frankly, I don’t understand the rest of the family, leaving her with the idea that what she is doing is perfectly okay. I didn’t tell her this, but I’ll say it here. I’m very ashamed of her, and I feel she is blighting our family name.

The issue didn’t end there.  A couple of months after all this went down, my other twin granddaughter, for whatever the reason, decided to enter the fray, perhaps in defense of her sister. In a post to our family Facebook page, she tried to benefit me with her wisdom by telling me that there were hurtful things said on both sides and that I needed to not be so judgmental and take some responsibility for the situation. I was livid that she had inserted herself into the problem and that she chose to publicize it. I sent her a personal message telling her that my opinion had been voiced and I stood behind it. I reiterated that both girls need to conduct their lives in better ways and that I felt neither of them were being respectful of their elders. There was so much more being written back and forth, but the end result was that this 21 year old girl, my namesake, one of a pair I’ve been extremely close to said, that I must give respect if I expected to get respect.

I never called either young woman any names. I simply said, I felt the one now expecting her second child out of wedlock was being reckless and irresponsible in her life decisions. Her response was, “I’m choosing my own life.”  And, I called the second girl out for her disrespectful behavior on more than one occasion. However, both girls referred to me as a bitch and a mother-****ing old hag. I was shocked to know these girls used that kind of language at all but to have those words directed at me was absolutely devastating.

I sent a note at Christmas time suggesting to both girls that we let bygones be bygones and do a reset of our relationships. The expectant mother sent me a message agreeing with my proposal and sent me a friend request indicating I had been unblocked from her social media page. The other twin has yet to make contact.

I am not a contemporary of any of my grandchildren or even my children. I am a 77-year-old woman, their grandmother and have lived a long life taking care of my family and myself. I’ve almost always had a job outside the confines of my home and I’ve been a good citizen and a good friend to others. If, for no other reason than that, I have earned respect and most assuredly respect from my grandchildren ought to be a given.

The world I live in is new to me. People have no problem moving in with one another and living as a couple without the benefit of marriage. No one even gasps anymore because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Accusations fly about being judgmental because there are no rules. .In my opinion that word “judgmental” is used to distract from the issue at hand. People have multiple sex partners throughout a lifetime, and no one expects virginity before marriage or fidelity afterward. People fall in and out of love as quickly as turning on and off a light switch.  Is faithfulness in relationships old fashioned and maybe even impossible?

Have you ever wanted to become a hermit? Have you ever considered withdrawing from society and becoming that unknown hidden island, a no-man’s island? Have you ever wondered, “How much longer is the Lord going to allow humankind to evolve into rude, insensitive people?

I have a rather interesting conundrum. I am an Activity Day Leader in my ward. It’s a calling that I’ve actually yearned for for at least ten years. About five years ago, I was asked to be an Activity Day Leader in my old ward before we moved to our present home. I was excited for it, but I must admit that when I went to the first activity where I was one of about five activity leaders, I felt very overwhelmed and it hit me smack in the face that I’m “old.”  The other women in this group were young mothers, full of enthusiasm, very energetic. The little girls were drawn to this energy and my natural inclination to feel “not quite up to par” quickly put me on the outside looking in. That was the only meeting I attended because I got a call from my daughter alerting me to a health emergency she learned of. I quickly packed my things and left to be with her. Fast forward to a year ago. Again, I was asked to be Activity Day Leader. I took it as a sign that the Lord knew it to be a calling I wanted and wanted to reward me with it because of the five years I had spent serving my daughter as her illness progressed to that of being life threatening. I explained that I still felt that I needed to help her and her family as much as I could and they told me to do what I needed to do and they would work with me as necessary. My daughter passed away within weeks of that conversation and I returned to my home trying very hard to live a normal life and enjoying my family. I’ve done just that. It’s only been days since I’ve thought how nicely things are going right now. I miss my daughter very much and still have days where I cry. I still get angry at the injustice and fairness of it all and I still throw up my hands at the fact that, “There’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”  It’s so interesting to me that there can be so many good things going on around me and then one thing happens and I feel hopeless. Why does that one thing have so much power over my attitude.

I planned an activity for the two little girls in my group where the girls designed tee-shirts with the logo of our Activity Day Theme for the year. They were excited and spent the better part of a week collaborating for a design. They came up with something similar to the printed logo in all of our handouts and they loved it. The mom of one of the girls is also our Primary President. She’s a very busy young woman with a family, a full-time job and is a talented photographer with a side business as well. Her daughter had worn a tee-shirt to our activity and the girl mentioned that her Mom had made the shirt using a machine she had. I decided to ask her mom if she would help me finish up the shirts. Originally, I had bought fabric markers and was going to have the girls use them to make their logos themselves. I realized the results would be much nicer if we used the techniques so obvious in the little girl’s shirt done by her mother. That mom agreed and on the appointed day she brought her machine and helped the girls through the entire process. I was very grateful for her and the girls were ecstatic with the results.  The mom took pictures of the girls and posted it on a group site of other activity day leaders through Facebook. We had several members give thumbs up approval and make positive comments about the shirts. Except for one “right fighter or what I refer to as a Pharisee.” This person took it upon herself to point out that the shirts were nice, but did we realize the theme we put on the shirts was not the Primary Theme but the Youth Theme. She went on to make another post regarding what she termed as a general misunderstanding in the church regarding the difference between the two themes and instructions that we needed to use the program as it has been structured rather than the misuse she has so ably sees for herself.  I answered her comment by saying, “Thank you for setting me straight. However, the principle is good for all of us.” Several people “liked” my comment. I thought that was the end of it, but the moderator of this group deleted all of the “complainers” comments and posted that according to instructions from church headquarters we were free to use any part of the theme and the logos we wanted to use and anyone making negative comments and trying to make others feel badly about their choices would have those comments removed by the moderators.

Several days went by and it occurred to me as I looked at the ideas posted continuously by members of this group how blessed we all are with these resources. I posted a paragraph expressing my gratitude and how thankful I am for the great ideas.  That post got over one hundred likes and at least a dozen positive comments. I came away feeling great. Now for what brought me down.

I went to the drug store yesterday to pick up some medicine for my husband. I was in a bit of a hurry because I needed to pick up my grandson from school too. Walgreen has moved their check-out counter slightly and so I was a little confused by that, but saw where I needed to enter to become a part of a rather long line, about three people ahead of me.  As I waited, there was a display to the side that caught my attention and I picked up a box to look at it. I put it down and realized that an old man who had been behind me had stepped into my place. I stood there for a minute contemplating the situation and decided to reclaim my spot so I stepped back into the line where I had been. He said to me, “I guess you didn’t know that I had been waiting in line before you. (I can only assume now he may have been confused about where the line formed and had re-positioned himself in the real line upon realizing his gaffe.) I might have given up my place to him except for the next sentence out of his mouth. He went on to say, “If you moved that fast all the time you might lose some weight.” With that statement, I hunkered in and decided he wouldn’t get my place no matter what. By now, the line had become longer and Walgreen decided to open another check-stand. As it happened the checkstand they opened was directly in front of me. The old man behind me immediately put his purchases upon the counter and the checker reached for them. I said, “I am first” and I replaced his things with mine. The checker looked at the old man who humphed and hawed. She rang up my three items, I paid for them and left.  I never said another word to the old man. However, since that time I’ve come up with all kinds of comebacks I should have said.

I could have looked down at him and said, “You know, if you walked a little more, maybe you wouldn’t have to make do with the speed of a turtle. Also, if you wore stilts, you would be the size of an average man. You’re very short, have you tried heel lifts? Is that box of chocolates a Valentine gift because if it is, you probably ought to do better than that for your boyfriend. And also, I can lose weight if I want to, but what can you do about being ugly?” Oh yes, I can be vicious if I put my mind to it.

The point is, how is it that one person who spoke an inappropriate few words to me out of the hundred who voiced support of my positive mindedness can make me feel bad enough that I become as ugly as I view him. Why should I care what he says? He is nobody to me. I don’t even know him. I saw a post today on Facebook, one of those cheer up sort of posts. It said to remember that people who say mean things are not happy with themselves and that’s why they try to make others feel badly. In other words, “misery loves company.”  All I need to do is to stop thinking about it and realize that what he said or how he acted has no value.