I’m A Dinosaur

The world is changing, and I’m not so sure I like where it’s going, or it is now. I don’t belong here anymore. I don’t understand why people are mean or why we’re losing hope and purpose. Maybe everyone doesn’t feel like I do, but I’ll be selfish for a little while and talk about myself and worry about myself and try to figure out how I’m supposed to survive in a world that I’ve outgrown.  How does that happen? How can a person outgrow the world, I wonder.

With the able and capable help of my husband, we have raised four children. Raising them was sometimes challenging, but not without the ultimate reward of seeing them grown and being contributing members of society doing their best to raise their own families. They have educated themselves, are taking care of themselves, and have a loving interest in us, their parents. As my children grew up, I never experienced blatant disrespect from them. I don’t know how we managed to instill that as a given, but never did any of them make me feel threatened. I think there were times when I felt they didn’t fully appreciate what we were trying to do for them.

I’ve written about my grandchildren and how much I love them and how great it is to have that arms-length attitude regarding their discipline. It is their parents’ job, and I don’t feel the same responsibility in that area. It has been a freeing feeling, and until recently, I’ve been satisfied with the arrangement. An event causing me extreme grief has prompted me to write this. Honestly, except for my husband’s ill health, I would like to move to some foreign country and exchange letters every so often with family members at home. Those letters would keep me in the loop about family accomplishments and sheltered somewhat from the “issues.”

I have a granddaughter who, at the age of 18, found herself pregnant without the benefit of being married. She was with a young man where the two of them were abusing drugs and living together. To her credit, when she realized she was pregnant, she moved away from him back to her parents’ home and got cleaned up to provide her child with a healthy body. I wasn’t happy when I first heard the news of her pregnancy for many reasons. It certainly wasn’t what I envisioned as my experience as a first time great grandmother. I told her I wasn’t happy with her, and she returned with hostility for a time. Eventually, because I continued to beg forgiveness, she allowed me back into her life, and we enjoyed a good relationship. My great-granddaughter was born that summer, and I became her Grammy. That little girl is now two years old and a great delight to the whole family.  When this little girl was about six months old, her mother quickly met and married a man who turned out to be not what he portrayed himself to be. The marriage lasted a couple of months and was annulled or divorced (I don’t know which) a short time later. Last week, my granddaughter announced without a shred of shame that she would be adding to her family another child this spring.

When she sent me a text message with her daughter proudly showing the ultrasound and happily noting the happiness they share with this news, I responded with, “I have no comment.”  My granddaughter responded, saying something like, that’s okay. I’ll love and adore you anyway. I hope you can someday celebrate with us because we are happy about it. To say that things went downhill from there is an understatement. She said that babies are always gifts from God and a great blessing and that I needed to understand that. I responded with an agreement about babies being blessings from God. I also felt that her inability to provide for her children entirely was about what I had an issue. She reminded me that she wasn’t asking me for anything regarding the rearing of her children. First of all, up until a few weeks ago, she was living with her parents. Her parents have downsized their home, and she and her twin sister would need to find their own dwelling since they are both 21 years old now. They found a place which I applaud. They need to be on their own. I hope it lasts. They tried moving out once before, and it wasn’t long before they were back on their parent’s doorstep.

Anyway, my granddaughter has talked to me about the state assistance she has been able to get to help her as a single mother. I suggested that unless she was totally on her own without government assistance, she is not independent. That’s when all hell broke loose. She proceeded to call me some very vulgar names, refer to me by my first name rather than Grandma, and accuse me of being petty and immature. I’m still trying to figure out those two observations. I’m pretty sure that I’m the only one in the family who has dared to tell her that she is reckless and irresponsible. Frankly, I don’t understand the rest of the family, leaving her with the idea that what she is doing is perfectly okay. I didn’t tell her this, but I’ll say it here. I’m very ashamed of her, and I feel she is blighting our family name.

The issue didn’t end there.  A couple of months after all this went down, my other twin granddaughter, for whatever the reason, decided to enter the fray, perhaps in defense of her sister. In a post to our family Facebook page, she tried to benefit me with her wisdom by telling me that there were hurtful things said on both sides and that I needed to not be so judgmental and take some responsibility for the situation. I was livid that she had inserted herself into the problem and that she chose to publicize it. I sent her a personal message telling her that my opinion had been voiced and I stood behind it. I reiterated that both girls need to conduct their lives in better ways and that I felt neither of them were being respectful of their elders. There was so much more being written back and forth, but the end result was that this 21 year old girl, my namesake, one of a pair I’ve been extremely close to said, that I must give respect if I expected to get respect.

I never called either young woman any names. I simply said, I felt the one now expecting her second child out of wedlock was being reckless and irresponsible in her life decisions. Her response was, “I’m choosing my own life.”  And, I called the second girl out for her disrespectful behavior on more than one occasion. However, both girls referred to me as a bitch and a mother-****ing old hag. I was shocked to know these girls used that kind of language at all but to have those words directed at me was absolutely devastating.

I sent a note at Christmas time suggesting to both girls that we let bygones be bygones and do a reset of our relationships. The expectant mother sent me a message agreeing with my proposal and sent me a friend request indicating I had been unblocked from her social media page. The other twin has yet to make contact.

I am not a contemporary of any of my grandchildren or even my children. I am a 77-year-old woman, their grandmother and have lived a long life taking care of my family and myself. I’ve almost always had a job outside the confines of my home and I’ve been a good citizen and a good friend to others. If, for no other reason than that, I have earned respect and most assuredly respect from my grandchildren ought to be a given.

The world I live in is new to me. People have no problem moving in with one another and living as a couple without the benefit of marriage. No one even gasps anymore because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Accusations fly about being judgmental because there are no rules. .In my opinion that word “judgmental” is used to distract from the issue at hand. People have multiple sex partners throughout a lifetime, and no one expects virginity before marriage or fidelity afterward. People fall in and out of love as quickly as turning on and off a light switch.  Is faithfulness in relationships old fashioned and maybe even impossible?